It’s okay not to be okay

My life has changed so much in the last year and a half, sometimes I have it all together, occasionally I fall to pieces and sometimes I am somewhere in the middle. I am now dated a wonderful man who regularly melts my heart, respects me, and cares for me in amazing ways. 

I started over, and know that loving again means I could get hurt again. This is scary. However, I’ll take the risk because life is too short not to love someone who melts your heart.

I’ve had folks request that I keep people updated on my blog as move through my journey. As I thought about this request, I realized I lead a pretty ordinary life. I work, run, hang out with friends, and all of the normal tasks most working professionals do. After an eventful year, I crave the ordinary. Eventful sounds exhausting. Ordinary sounds amazing.

I hope to start racing fast again soon, and plan to blog about my running and my life as I did before, expect this time my blog will probably have more depth.  As I re-read my past blogs, pre-divorce, I realized I had insightful thoughts on situations. However, my blogs post separation/ divorce seems to have a new depth of understanding about life. This understanding grew from losing everything in my life, as I knew it. Many times we have bad scenarios in our heads, but rarely do all the things we fear happen in one year. Sometimes they do though.

One final message I’d like to express in this blog entry: it’s okay not to be okay. We all want to come across as people who have it all together. Careers, relationships, athletic endeavors, and family can all be areas where we hope to have astounding results. I want success, and when I have set backs, it can be easy to cover my failures with smiles or trite comments. So much can be covered up with a smile, and an amazing outfit, but I’ll be the first to say I am not strong everyday. Sometimes I still fall to pieces, sometimes I get overcome with anxiety, and sometimes I am just a mess. And when the pieces unravel, I need someone to step in and help, and that’s okay.

I often feel loads of insecurity, inadequacy, and self-annoyance when I fall on my face, and have to inconvenience someone to help me. So, I end by saying no matter what life throws at you, we all have valleys and mountains, and we must stand and say “It’s okay not to be okay.” Eventually it will be okay. Someday. I can’t tell you when. And in the meantime cling to those that love you and want to see you succeed.  Those people will hug you, make you laugh, and pour you a glass of wine. I’m not sure what my life will hold, but I can only hope it holds moments with friends and family who make my life richer by knowing them.

Preview: Next blog entry about the move to Texas

Searching for my identity

Divorce is terrible and vicious, but it’s not the end of the world. This is something a friend told me when I left my marriage. My life changed permanently on 7/30/12 when I found out that events happened, which lead to the demise of my marriage. This unexpected and life changing experience forced me to grow emotionally and built up my resilience to a level I didn’t know existed within me. If someone had told me a year ago what I would go through, I would have said I couldn’t make it through this, but as the events unfolded my support system created a wall of strength for me and I toughened up. I like to joke that “the tough Sarah” is here to stay. Sometimes she wanes a bit, but she’s not going anywhere.

As the months have passed and I’ve become stronger on a number of fronts, I’ve often searched for my identity. So many of the adjectives I previously used to describe myself no longer  describe me. In our world dictated by social media, we often think in terms of short phrases to portray who we are as a person. The 140 character limit on Twitter soars past our news feed and into our inner being.  Some of these short phrases that once applied to me, such as “#wife,” are gone for the foreseeable future, while others, such as “#runner,” I hope will return this summer. When I can run fast again, I hope to do so simply out of the sheer joy I feel when I lace up my spikes and run fast around a track. Terms such as “Christian,” never left me, they just got a little beat up, but underneath the mush, they stuck. With these changes, I’ve added new terms such as #slowswimmer.

 

From a young age, I have seen my primary identity as a child of God, saved by grace. But what happens when you know God on a cognitive level, but feel distant from Him and feel numb half of the time anyway? The

distance between your head and heart seem so far. How can your heart come in contact with your intellect? Yet this is supposed to be my identity? How does that work out? Injustices happen that don’t seem fair.

Then, what happens when secondary parts of your identity—such as your relationship status or running—are taken away? At one point I was conversing with God and laughing to myself thinking, okay, you’ve taken everything away, why not just take the rest too. The book of Job came to mind.

Pair this identity crisis with many other changes and you start to wonder, “Who am I? What am I doing? What is my purpose?”

When these questions popped into my head, I nursed the numbness with my quest for meaning.

As my search continued, I learned some things about life, people, and the world. I am learning to live without always knowing what tomorrow may bring.  I am not changing the world each day. I want to change the world by doing things like fighting poverty and helping the mentally ill; however, I am not taking on such lofty projects at the moment.  But, I’ve made great strides in my healing. I am ready to move on with many different aspects of my life.

So much of the shame that penetrated my identity when I filed for divorce is removed. I know someone wronged me and violated me, and I feel a sense of injustice about this deep shame that was brought to my name. But I am trying not to let it define me as I seek to regain back my sense of dignity. My new identity is forming and I’m hoping shame won’t be part of it. My Christian faith remains, although still very fragile at many points. My faith sits on a beam I’m hoping never tips over.  The other day I tweeted, “If my relationship with God was dependent on my emotions, I'd be in trouble.”

I now am more sensitive to personal injustices and injustices in the world. They just seem so wrong, and I want to stand up and fight them all. Seeing people wronged and pushed down breaks my heart and crushes my soul. I personalize many of these injustices as I think back on my own story. Much of my innocence was lost during this process.

Instead of changing the world everyday, I am trying to appreciate each day, and the small joys it brings.  A few of the small joys that bring constant smiles to my face include time with friends, noon swims (although rare, they are so joyful and leave me smiling all day), walks, good wine, runs with friends, friends making me coffee, and good books. Hopefully in between the busyness and these small joys, I will still be able to impact the world positively in small ways. The ways may be smaller, but touching a few individual lives may just have to do for now as I search for my purpose. Maybe this God I also feel so distant from so many days shows up in these small joys he allows me to have each day?

After what I have been through in the last year: a messy divorce, being wronged in more ways than I thought possible, my stuff in storage for part of the year, staying with friends, and many other things that pushed my uncertainty to the max, I am grateful for the chance to work at a startup, a stable living situation that—although not permanent—provides a healthy environment for now, a church that loves me and the messiness that comes with me, and friends/ family that are so amazing.

Yep, life goes on. But it doesn’t just go on; it can be happy and filled with small joys. I may always be a work in progress, but that’s the comfort of a relationship with Jesus, high and lows come and go, and the sanctification process marches on. Cheers, sweet friends, and thank you.

Have a little faith or living on a prayer?

The title of this post pretty much sums up how I have felt the last few months. At one point I wondered if I was having a faith crisis. That turned out not to be the case. At other times I have felt like I was living on people’s prayers. I was somewhere in between having a little faith and living on a prayer.

Now take a step back though and picture this…

Think of someone taking your life as you know it and writing down all the aspects of it, then taking the piece of paper and ripping it into small pieces. Now picture a fan starting and making all scraps of paper fly around into the air. You try to grab on to them but they are flying around and you can’t quite grasp them. This is exactly how my life felt a few months ago. Chaos had struck. I started to think, what is true in the world? Who is trustworthy? Is anyone even trustworthy?

Everything I knew to be true and right in the world ceased to exist. When my life got to this point, I still knew that God existed on a cognitive level, but I felt lackadaisical about everything in life.  Crying out to God and feeling a strong sense of wanting for anyone or anything just didn’t happen. I was numb. Angry. Hurt. Mad. I was in a fog.

I believe that Christians are saved by grace. Since we are saved by grace we can do nothing to earn God’s favor and we do not deserve God’s favor. This saved by grace mentality affects how I think of suffering. I do not think God owes me a happy life but I didn’t trust anything. I knew in my head I didn’t deserve anything but I wanted so desperately to cling to something.

Knowing that God understands about the loss of relationships and suffering kept me rooted in my faith. In Tim Keller’s book entitled “The Reason for God,” he discusses the significance of God sending His son to earth and the effect this has on suffering. Keller discussed that if we lose the relationship of an acquaintance the effect is not nearly as large as when we lose the relationship with someone much closer to us.  Keller went on to say, “Christian theology has always recognized that Jesus bore, as the substitute in our place, the endless exclusion from God that the human race has merited” (Keller, 24).

I also realized that the way people treat us can affect the way we see God’s love. Even though God’s love is perfect, we may relate God’s love to how people love us and confuse the two types of love. This skews our view of God’s perfect agape love. (http://bit.ly/apagelovedef)

Skipping forward, eventually the fog slowly lifted. Friends and family lifted my head and led me in the right direction. I found some people who were trustworthy. Instead of taking care of other people, I had to let people take care of me. In these circumstances, some of the most unexpected people helped me see clearly. All I could say was thank you. I can’t repay these people for their help and kindness; I can just express my gratitude.

I started to feel more emotion. As I did, the song entitled “blessings” by Laura Story comforted me.  I still listen to the song almost daily. (http://bit.ly/laurastoryblessingsong)

Part of the lyrics say,

“We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

How true are these words. My healing has come through tears and sleepless nights. Now I am forming a new life and as I do, I am excited about what God has in store for the future. My life will look much different than I thought it would a year ago. This can be scary, but it’s my new reality.

My faith is still there. God never left, my emotions just numbed out. I am still not 100 percent back to normal, but my emotions are closer to normal than they were a few months ago. When my emotions and old self came back, feeling that sweet connection with God feels that much sweeter.

Thank you to all my friends and family for all your prayers and support. I wouldn’t trade my friends for anything. They are rock solid and loyal. Tonight I lay my head down singing praises to Jesus and as I do I will be singing Amazing Grace…thank you Jesus for saving a wretch like me. I am hanging on for the ride… http://bit.ly/amazinggracesong

“Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy rains

Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me

His word my hope secures

He will my shield and portion be

As long as life endures”

How quickly I forget....

Yesterday I did a workout that did not go terribly, but the workout was just frustrating for many reasons. This was by no stretch of the imagination a good workout. (For the non-runners, workout means a harder effort, usually intervals with timed rest.) This was my first workout where I was slightly off pace in months. Nothing terrible happened. I am healthy, not injured, and it was just one workout. Some of the conditions were not ideal but that’s often the case. When I type this out, having one workout off pace seemed like no big deal, but at the time it was frustrating. Very frustrating and can have a big affect on my confidence.

Flashback to the week prior. I was having some soreness in my hip, gluts, and calf. The soreness turned out to be no big deal. I got treatment on theses areas, ran easy for a few days, and I was as good as new! However, when the soreness happened, and I had a minor (or maybe major) panic, I had the thought “just so I am not hurt and can run and I’ll be happy.” Well, I turned out I’m not hurt. When I had the bad workout, I should have thought “I am not injured, I should be glad I can do a workout next week and am healthy.” Should have are the key words. “How quickly I forget” is the main theme. I forget that I should be thankful I can run and could get up today and do a long run, and can do more workouts next week. My memory is short, and I get lost in the moment. I get caught up in the now.

Reflecting back on this workout later in the day reminded me “how quickly I forget” in my relationship with God. I want God to give me what I think is best which means I forget that God knows what I need more than I know what I need. I get nervous others will judge me for some of the decisions I make. The Psalms are a great place to turn to in the Bible to be reminded of God’s faithful, and the reminder that we can cry out to God when we need Him. David does this in many of the Psalms. Psalm 124:8 says, “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth” (Holy Bible, ESV). Just read the Psalms and you will see this theme. Psalm 121 is another great one on this topic: http://bg4.me/PHEV9n.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a short run. Before my run I sat in my car and read Psalm 1. I started my run by listening to Chris Tomlin’s song “All to us.” One verse in this song says “We are waiting on you Jesus, we believe you are all to us…..Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives.” As I listened to these words, I was reminded of Jesus’ love for me. I kept running and reflecting, listening to “Amazing Grace and Shout to the Lord.” Before I knew it, I had finished my 4 mile run, and was feeling better about life. My relationship with God was back in focus. (It’s amazing what a good run can do for the body and mind.)

Throughout the Bible, God constantly shows His faithful to His people even though humans constantly fall back into sin. I say this often in my blog posts because I need to be reminded about this truth. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt. He brought His people a savior and the ultimate King. God kept His promises. I know He will do the same for me.

My life is complicated and messy, just like many of you may experience in your life. I have stressful situations to manage too. Having a relationship with God, and believing Jesus came to save the world from our sinful nature, does not make life easy. I experience pain and suffering too. However, as the pastor of our church in Boston always said, I need to preach the Gospel to myself. Yesterday and today, I have reflected back on God’s faithful and my ultimate goal in life. I hope to race well in my next big race. I have trained hard, and I’d like the training to pay off, but for today I am going to live in the present. I am going to strive to enjoy each run and each workout. I hope to turn to Christ each day and be reminded of His love for us. To go back to the words of Tomlin’s song “Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives.”