Mental Health during the COVID-19 crisis

As many of you know, I'm a stay at home mom to my two beautiful girls, Anna Grace (5 in May) and Caroline (3 in June). A few weeks ago we were headed into Spring activities with full force.  Both girls attend preschool a few mornings a week, and both were back in the rhythm of school post Christmas break. Anna Grace takes ballet and was working on her recital dance each week.  During Spring Break, we took a break from our regular activities; we played with friends, went to the Houston Zoo, went to the pool, and soaked in the sunshine.

However, as Spring Break was coming to an end, the United States was slowly starting to shut down from the COVID-19 pandemic. The San Francisco area was starting to go into shelter in place. There was talk of closing down schools in Houston and the surrounding area. The Houston Rodeo, which is visited by 2.5 million people a year, closed down.  As the week came to an end, the local school district and preschools cancelled classes post Spring Break. When church was cancelled, I knew this was bad situation.

Schools announced they planned to close for about a month. I love my kids but I started to think, what are we going to do? We NEVER stay home. For my sanity and my kid’s sanity, we stay very busy. We do something every morning, either go to the gym or kids go to preschool. We fill our afternoons with ballet, speech for Caroline, play dates, the pool, and errands.

When I first  thought about us staying home, I was panicked. Would my kids get enough from me? I’m a HUGE extrovert, how would I get social interaction? One of the ways I stay sane as a mother is through interacting with others. How would I get time for intellectual stimulation or a moment to myself?

As my new reality set in, I realized I would be spending many days without adult interaction. Loneliness and sadness crept in.  I was frustrated when people assured me that video calls would be an equal substitute for in person interaction. These calls have their place, but do not fill my need for adult interaction. My Bible studies came to a halt; I knew I couldn’t do those with the kids around. The gym closed. My social outlets pretty much dissolved over night.

I felt like people thought I “should” be happy. The message I saw on social media was to be grateful that I have a home and wasn’t sick. I felt like I was hearing “How could I be anything except happy? My kids are going to college someday, didn’t I want to enjoy them?” I realized I needed to feel like it was okay that I was having a hard time and I need to be able to voice those feelings. Having others validate my emotions was incredibly helpful and I wanted to provide this same help for other parents.

When my new reality fully set in, I cried, a good long cry. This good cry actually helped me move forward. While gratitude is important, there were other feelings going on such as loss, grief, sadness, and fear. Those other feeling need to be expressed and allowed as well. If you are crying an unusual amount, please consider seeking outside help. However, if you just need a good cry, that makes sense given the current situation. Some days are extremely tough and others are easier. We are trying to take them all in stride. (Trying is the key word!) Additionally, I'm getting accustomed to not seeing people, although I still find it extremely difficult and isolating.

I've learned that I am deeply bothered by certain societal problems. When a problem meets something I’m passionate about, my natural instinct is to help advocate for that issue. Frederick Buechner, a famous American theologian, put it best when he said "The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I have felt empowered getting to help people in my demographic work through how they feel during this uncertain time. Many articles have been written about helping kids, but I see a real need to help parents. Just talking about the issue provides validation to parents and let’s them know that they aren’t alone. 

Lastly, I have set a few boundaries for myself to help manage my mental health. I very rarely watch the news, I only read news on my phone a few times a day, I support people with a doomsday approach from afar, I call/ text people, and I limit my time on social media. These boundaries combined with bringing light to this issue have helped my mental health tremendously. Just like people are being diligent about washing their hands, my hope is to encourage people to take care of their mental health and soul as well. Much love and stay safe.

If any of you need to chat, just call.

When God Says "No"

In modern day society we are told that if we work hard enough for a goal, we are sure to accomplish our goal. I see this thought process showing up all time with running. One must work hard to run a good race. Often I see posts on social media about a person trying to run a certain time in her goal race.  The person posts on social media that she has this set goal, maybe she posts many of her set training runs. Everyone cheers her on and says, “Yes, of course you will accomplish your goal.”  “You are great.” “You are so talented.” It’s all about what you can accomplish. Encouragement is good and much needed in our cynical world.  But what happens when you work hard and you don’t accomplish your goals? You’ve done everything right, and it’s not enough. The praise fades, or we are given dashes of hope for next time.

Accomplishing goals is empowering and a positive aspect of life. However, sometimes God says no. This blog is about what happens when God says no. I felt compelled to write this blog for all the people who have heard no, yet need the same encouragement people get who accomplish their goals. Maybe your goal wasn’t one based on working hard, but just something you really thought would happen in your life. This is for you too.

Let me tell you about my running injury. Last Spring I decided I would try to run one more fast marathon.  I had my youngest child weaned from breastfeeding and she was sleeping. I felt human again. The timing was right. I had my husband’s support, I was feeling the itch to run fast again, and I had figured out a way to carve out a little time for training. I wrote a blog about how I had some unresolved issues with running and how I was going to run fast one more time to resolve these issues.  Notice, it was about me, not God. I had already met my goal times earlier in life but I ended my fast running in a tough season in life. Now I was going to end my fast running journey in a happy season of life, on my terms. My thinking was surely God wanted me to use the talents He had given to me. I figured I’d wait a month or so to publish that blog. In that time, I hurt my Achilles tendon. Fast forward to almost a year later and my Achilles tendon is still hurt.  Training ceased. Not only did I not run a marathon, but I can barely run at all.  Today, I’m not even concerned about running fast, I just wish I could do a long run.

I do not believe that Christians should just sit on their hands waiting for a miracle to drop out of the sky. I made efforts to fix my Achilles. I rested, I cross-trained, I tried to ice, stretched, strengthened, and heated my Achilles. I went to a very good Dr and sought out Chiropractor care for my Achilles. The latter helped the most and helped me manage the pain but at the end of the day I’m still hurt.

To me, my inability to run is God saying “no, not right now.” I don’t know if this answer is no forever or no for this season. However, I do know that, while it’s painfully hard not to run, scripture gives us a basis for this situation. Many times in the Bible we see God shutting a door for a season such as when Sarah and Abraham couldn’t have a baby and God gave them a baby when they were advanced in age. Another example in Genesis occurred when Sarah asked Abraham to send Hagar (her slave girl) and Ishmael (Hagar and Abraham’s son) away. God protected Hagar and Ishmael and still promised to make them a great nation, despite Sarah’s plan to just push them out of the way.  Other times we see God just shutting doors without us knowing the reason. For example, the book of Job is full of God saying no. Job suffered tremendously, and yet, he didn’t turn away from God. Job didn’t understand his misfortune, yet he didn’t curse God.

Either way, whether the door is shut forever or for a season, I’m constantly looking for what God has for me to learn from a shut door. Sometimes we simply don’t know why a door is shut.

I’m not entirely sure why the running door is shut. I just know God clearly shut that door for now. I could speculate all day, maybe God wanted to send me in another direction? Maybe God was preparing me for other large changes that came this summer? Maybe God simply wanted to remind me that he was in control and to turn my eyes toward Him? I simply don’t know. I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer though where we say “Thy will be done," not mine. 

If you are reading this post, and you are a Christian, my hope is to encourage you. My shut door was running fast, maybe yours is something bigger. Either way, I encourage you not to lose hope in God. I won’t give you canned Christian answers like just trust God and go on. Instead I encourage you to dig deeper. Yes, trust God, but examine why it’s so hard for you to have the door closed. Journal about your pain, dashed hopes, or new dreams. Hold on to hope in God. God can take it all. Talk to him. Cling close to Him. Pray for direction. God won’t leave you. He sees you and your hopes.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give a future and a hope” (Hold Bible, ESV).

If you aren’t a Christian, here’s some food for thought. You may be reading this and think, I really don’t believe God orchestrates things. I’m not going to spend this blog trying to convince you He does, but I will say, just think about this: what would be it be like to dream of a God who created the world, knows every hair on your head, and has a plan? 

Whichever camp you are in, don’t give up hope. It’s normal to feel a sense of loss when a door is shut or a path is turned in a different direction. I plan to keep going to the chiropractor for my foot.  I plan to process how I feel. I've written countless times in my journal how much I miss running. I miss the feel of getting up my heart rate while catching up with friends. I just miss the simple act of a long run. Jesus himself often expressed emotion. He expressed sadness and disappointment too. Journal and seek out trusted people to talk to about your shut door.  Know that I too am in your camp, I miss running, but I’m clinging to God with my Bible and journal in hand. This post is for all of you in the same boat as me. I see you. God sees you and he cares about every one of your goals, those you accomplish and those that don’t come to fruition. A good friend often tells me “God is in charge of the results, you are just responsible for acting on the things He put on your heart.”

Soaking up all the feels of this Season

“Right now I don’t accomplish much. I literally have nothing tangible to show for at the end of the day.” I wrote that statement to start my next blog post. Then my computer died, life got busy, and I didn’t get a chance to come back to the blog post for a few months. I looked back at this statement and thought wow, that’s a little harsh. I’m glad I had the opportunity to look back at this statement though, because it shows me how much I yearn to show I did something each day, yet, I’m also very aware of wanting to take in this season.

With Anna Grace I just wanted the baby phase to end. I loved her so much but I was so tired and overwhelmed. She screamed most of the day, and I was up with her from about midnight to 4a for almost 9 months. The sleep deprivation made me feel dizzy, sick, delirious, and anxious. Looking back, I often feel like I missed so much of her baby stage because I had such an incredibly rough time. Before I knew it, Anna Grace was running around and I was lucky to sneak in a few cuddles. Little miss independence is just way too busy to cuddle. On a daily basis, Anna Grace and I interact in many ways from playing legos to dance parties. We have plenty of active opportunities to bond, however, I still feel like I missed out on so much of her baby phase.

The second time around I produced a cuddler. Little Caroline loves to be with mama, so much so, that I often can’t leave her at the gym nursery or church nursery. I am aware this time around how quickly the baby stage passes and this time I want to soak in all the feels. I savor long nursing sessions, baby cuddles, and those sweet coos. I love holding Caroline and don’t rush to hand her off to others.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about this season of life, and enjoying the simple things. I am actively trying to be present. I spend less time on Facebook and more time just sitting with my kids. I watch the girls play, we read books, dance, and play music. I strive to embrace the present, and while I often don’t do as well as I want to, I have the present in mind. I know how quickly this all will pass, and both my girls won’t need me in the way they do now.

Amidst this busy season with a toddler and a baby, one area I’m trying to work on is to grant myself grace. Even in my sleep deprivation state, I cared for Anna Grace when she was a baby. Anna Grace and I are very close and she doesn’t know I feel like I missed the baby stage. In my current day to day life, I try to grant myself grace about all the ways I fall short and feel like I’m not enough. I often feel I don’t do enough for my kids; the balance between trying to trying to give each child enough time is a constant struggle. I get frustrated with myself when I’m not patient enough. I feel bad that I'm not grateful enough. These are just a few examples of the ways I feel like I’m not enough, I could go on for days about ways I feel like I’m not enough.

However, I’m thankful to have good friends that remind me I am enough in God’s eyes. The constant reminder is encouraging. At our moms group at church (TWUMC, Mom2Mom), our theme this session is “you are enough.” Our theme verse is Romans 12:5 “So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.” (The Message translation)

I’m reminded that I am enough for God. I am doing His work even through the simple things I do for my kids and my family. This concept of not being enough seems to prevalent among so many moms. As I try to soak up the feels of this stage, I’m reminded that moms need to each other to encourage one another that we are enough in God’s eyes. If I’m enough in God’s eyes, then surely this means I am more than enough for anything or anyone in this world.

Finding Joy in the Life I Love but Never Thought I Wanted

Finding Joy in the Life I Love but Never Thought I Wanted

In my mid-20’s, I had a plan for my life. I was going to change the world. I was going to live in the city, stay engaged with the culture, and embrace the diversity and all the city had to offer. At the time, I believed that suburbs were for people who were happy with the status quo, wanted a house that matched their neighbors, and a comfortable job. Basically, I thought the 'burbs were boring. I guess you could say I was a bit snobby about where I lived. I lived in Cambridge (right outside of Boston), Durham (which I loved but was more of a stopping point along the way), and San Francisco (which I believed would be my final stop).

Back then, I had a very different life than I have now. When I lived in San Francisco I was married to my ex-husband, lived in a small apartment in the heart of the city, ran fast, attended a hip church, and had a great group of friends. Running in beautiful areas, fun brunches, and drinks out were the norm. Lunch after church was actually a thing. My goals were different as was my life. Now when I tell people about this life, I feel as if I'm telling stories from someone else’s life.

Fast forward to the present. I live in the suburbs, am remarried and have two beautiful daughters whom I love more than I ever thought possible. The suburb life that I never wanted is all I want now. I regularly tell my husband I hope we get to stay here at least until our kids graduate high school. My life is considered quite boring by most people’s standards. And yet I love living here, being a Mom, and being married to Carl. Days can get tough and lonely with a toddler and a baby. Yet this life is so beautiful to me.

However, sometimes it’s easy to look at my life as a suburb mom and start to think, what’s my purpose? How can I live out God’s calling in my everyday, ordinary life? Where’s my joy in these every days? What did I accomplish today? The obvious answer is that my purpose is to raise my beautiful girls. I’ve tried to look beyond this simple answer and think about the true meaning of my life as a stay at home mom. I also want to look at the big picture of raising my children, instead of constantly getting caught up in the day-to-day temper tantrums and diapers.

What I’ve come to discover is that sometimes living out the ordinary days can be much harder than living out an exciting calling, but is no less important in the eyes in God. Changing diapers, playing with my kids and staying calm during temper tantrums (which I don’t always do) is caring for God’s children and helping to shape them. I heard this concept about caring for God’s children in a Bible study. This concept helped shape the way I look at my daily life. Sometimes finding joy in the everyday can be hard, yet, when I stop to reflect on what I have to be joyful about and thankful for, my list is so long. God has given me a healthy family, people to share life with, the ability to stay home, and a faith in Him to have hope in so much more than what I see in front of me.

I’ve also learned that I can’t do life alone. Recently I looked back at a Facebook picture album from the year I got divorced. I now can clearly see that people were the theme of the album. People who stood by my side when life wasn’t fun. For the first time in my adult life, I truly needed people, and survived on their prayers. While my life now is pretty stable, I still need people. I rely on other moms to come over and provide adult interaction, my Mom’s group at church which provides a little break and encouragement in my week, my two running partners who let me have some girl time and get fresh air, and most importantly, my husband and partner in parenting. Whatever stage of life I’m in, I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do life without other people.

In closing, I leave you with this thought. I truly believe going through all the phases of my life are part of God's plan. My current life is an absolutely beautiful part of His plan. When I stop to think about my life, the life God planned for me has had more twists and turns that I could have ever written for myself. It’s an adventure for sure. We can choose how we respond to God’s grace and plan for our lives. At the end of the day I chose a spirit of joy. This does not mean I’m happy all the time. Happiness is a feeling based on circumstances, whereas joy is a truth we can rely on because we know the truths about God’s character. In a sermon about joy, Tim Keller said the following, “A child of God will receive a joy of such intensity that no sorrow in the end can overwhelm it.” Joy isn’t based on my feelings, exciting activities, or how well my kids are behaving. Joy is a characteristic of God that we too can share. In this, and all stages of life, I need my faith in Jesus, my people, and my joy.

Note to tired moms: At one point while writing this blog, I had an usually tough night with my baby. It's hard to find joy when you are up all night. If you are sleep deprived, try to get some rest and then think about joy.

It’s okay not to be okay

My life has changed so much in the last year and a half, sometimes I have it all together, occasionally I fall to pieces and sometimes I am somewhere in the middle. I am now dated a wonderful man who regularly melts my heart, respects me, and cares for me in amazing ways. 

I started over, and know that loving again means I could get hurt again. This is scary. However, I’ll take the risk because life is too short not to love someone who melts your heart.

I’ve had folks request that I keep people updated on my blog as move through my journey. As I thought about this request, I realized I lead a pretty ordinary life. I work, run, hang out with friends, and all of the normal tasks most working professionals do. After an eventful year, I crave the ordinary. Eventful sounds exhausting. Ordinary sounds amazing.

I hope to start racing fast again soon, and plan to blog about my running and my life as I did before, expect this time my blog will probably have more depth.  As I re-read my past blogs, pre-divorce, I realized I had insightful thoughts on situations. However, my blogs post separation/ divorce seems to have a new depth of understanding about life. This understanding grew from losing everything in my life, as I knew it. Many times we have bad scenarios in our heads, but rarely do all the things we fear happen in one year. Sometimes they do though.

One final message I’d like to express in this blog entry: it’s okay not to be okay. We all want to come across as people who have it all together. Careers, relationships, athletic endeavors, and family can all be areas where we hope to have astounding results. I want success, and when I have set backs, it can be easy to cover my failures with smiles or trite comments. So much can be covered up with a smile, and an amazing outfit, but I’ll be the first to say I am not strong everyday. Sometimes I still fall to pieces, sometimes I get overcome with anxiety, and sometimes I am just a mess. And when the pieces unravel, I need someone to step in and help, and that’s okay.

I often feel loads of insecurity, inadequacy, and self-annoyance when I fall on my face, and have to inconvenience someone to help me. So, I end by saying no matter what life throws at you, we all have valleys and mountains, and we must stand and say “It’s okay not to be okay.” Eventually it will be okay. Someday. I can’t tell you when. And in the meantime cling to those that love you and want to see you succeed.  Those people will hug you, make you laugh, and pour you a glass of wine. I’m not sure what my life will hold, but I can only hope it holds moments with friends and family who make my life richer by knowing them.

Preview: Next blog entry about the move to Texas