“Right now I don’t accomplish much. I literally have nothing tangible to show for at the end of the day.” I wrote that statement to start my next blog post. Then my computer died, life got busy, and I didn’t get a chance to come back to the blog post for a few months. I looked back at this statement and thought wow, that’s a little harsh. I’m glad I had the opportunity to look back at this statement though, because it shows me how much I yearn to show I did something each day, yet, I’m also very aware of wanting to take in this season.
With Anna Grace I just wanted the baby phase to end. I loved her so much but I was so tired and overwhelmed. She screamed most of the day, and I was up with her from about midnight to 4a for almost 9 months. The sleep deprivation made me feel dizzy, sick, delirious, and anxious. Looking back, I often feel like I missed so much of her baby stage because I had such an incredibly rough time. Before I knew it, Anna Grace was running around and I was lucky to sneak in a few cuddles. Little miss independence is just way too busy to cuddle. On a daily basis, Anna Grace and I interact in many ways from playing legos to dance parties. We have plenty of active opportunities to bond, however, I still feel like I missed out on so much of her baby phase.
The second time around I produced a cuddler. Little Caroline loves to be with mama, so much so, that I often can’t leave her at the gym nursery or church nursery. I am aware this time around how quickly the baby stage passes and this time I want to soak in all the feels. I savor long nursing sessions, baby cuddles, and those sweet coos. I love holding Caroline and don’t rush to hand her off to others.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about this season of life, and enjoying the simple things. I am actively trying to be present. I spend less time on Facebook and more time just sitting with my kids. I watch the girls play, we read books, dance, and play music. I strive to embrace the present, and while I often don’t do as well as I want to, I have the present in mind. I know how quickly this all will pass, and both my girls won’t need me in the way they do now.
Amidst this busy season with a toddler and a baby, one area I’m trying to work on is to grant myself grace. Even in my sleep deprivation state, I cared for Anna Grace when she was a baby. Anna Grace and I are very close and she doesn’t know I feel like I missed the baby stage. In my current day to day life, I try to grant myself grace about all the ways I fall short and feel like I’m not enough. I often feel I don’t do enough for my kids; the balance between trying to trying to give each child enough time is a constant struggle. I get frustrated with myself when I’m not patient enough. I feel bad that I'm not grateful enough. These are just a few examples of the ways I feel like I’m not enough, I could go on for days about ways I feel like I’m not enough.
However, I’m thankful to have good friends that remind me I am enough in God’s eyes. The constant reminder is encouraging. At our moms group at church (TWUMC, Mom2Mom), our theme this session is “you are enough.” Our theme verse is Romans 12:5 “So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.” (The Message translation)
I’m reminded that I am enough for God. I am doing His work even through the simple things I do for my kids and my family. This concept of not being enough seems to prevalent among so many moms. As I try to soak up the feels of this stage, I’m reminded that moms need to each other to encourage one another that we are enough in God’s eyes. If I’m enough in God’s eyes, then surely this means I am more than enough for anything or anyone in this world.
