An honest look at pandemic loneliness

I have a distant memory of seeing my friends in person at each other’s homes. It seems like so long ago when I could just run over to a friend's house and knock on the door, yet it was just a few months ago. During my time at home, I have often faced loneliness. My husband is an essential worker, and while he’d like to hang out with us, he has to work long hours right now.  I have friends, yet, many of them are in the same boat and have small kids running around. I’ve searched for answers from the Christian community on how to cope with my loneliness, and I haven’t found many groups addressing this topic. I’ve heard answers such as read your Bible and pray. I do both of these things, yet the loneliness still lingers. In a spirit of authenticity, I decided to write a blog post on this topic, figuring maybe I’m not the only person who feels this way.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that we need our basic needs met first and then we can move to higher needs, such as psychological needs. My heart breaks for those people whose basic needs aren’t met during COVID-19, because these groups have historically been marginalized. However, we can equally have a heart for those hurting from not getting their basic needs met and those struggling with psychological needs. We serve a God who cares about both types of needs. We can look beyond a pyramid and see individuals as whole people who are spiritual, emotional, and physical beings. 

Furthermore, I find it important to differentiate between joy and happiness as I approach the topic of loneliness. Happiness is based on our circumstances and feelings, whereas, joy is knowing and anticipating something great is happening in the future. Even if we are miserable in our present circumstances, we can have joy in knowing truths about God, and seeing a future of hope in Jesus.

I often feel like much of the Christian community wants to promote turning away from trying to obtain happiness, and realizing this is not our ultimate purpose in life. I agree, but I wonder if some of these broad statements dismiss our feelings and true loneliness during this time? What if we validated that God had bigger plans for us than simply seeking happiness, yet we didn't try to fix someone’s feelings or put a quick band-aide on loneliness? 

After much thought and reflection here are four ways I’d recommend facing loneliness. 

Turn to God: Read your Bible, pray, journal, He can take all your emotions.

Made for community: Recognize we are made for community, we weren’t created to live in pandemic isolation. The way we are living is not natural. 

Admit the feelings: Cry the tears, acknowledge how tough this time can be on some people

Acknowledge your personality: Certain personalities require more interaction, that’s okay, it’s part of how you were created.

If you are wondering how to support someone who is feeling lonely, I would recommend acknowledging how your friend or family member is feeling. Listen and empathize. Know that you probably won’t be able to fix the problem. If you have a few ideas to help, ask before you share your ideas. You can help tremendously by just being a safe person. If you do offer ways you can support the person, such as meeting up for a walk, I’d recommend making sure what you offer is doable on your end. Promising help and then not following through could increase loneliness. 

In closing, loneliness is a problem in normal times, and this problem is exacerbated during the pandemic. A few days ago, I was listening to a devotional by Tim Keller, pastor and author in NYC, and Keller discussed that the Psalms end with praising God. However, he also said that many other emotions are displayed in the Psalms and it may take us a while to get to praise. You can have hope in Jesus even on days you feel crummy, and it’s okay if you don’t feel like jumping for joy. The Bible is full of a range of emotions, and you are allowed to feel all of them. The ending in our story is hope in Jesus, and the joy that comes from that hope. I pray that even in your loneliness, you know that Jesus loves you and your Father up above sees your pain and is heartbroken with you. May God comfort you today and everyday. Peace and love to you all. 

Graphic at top from diy&design

When Coping Mechanisms go too far...

News Flash: I’m not queen of my life. Shocking, I know! The other day I was doing a spin class at home and the instructor said “you are the queen of your life, you are your own queen”. This statement motivates people to push harder because we love the idea of thinking we are in charge of the world. I have the power to make good decisions and turn toward God, but ultimately I don’t control the universe. Especially in a crisis, we want to be in charge. I’ve found that when people believe they are in control of the universe, they think they are calmer, but I actually think this illusion of control makes people more anxious. The pursuit of a control we weren’t intended for ultimately produces more anxiety, as we work for a goal with no end.

Especially with the COVID-19 virus, we are grasping for control in ways we’ve never experienced. Consequently, I’ve found coping mechanisms come out in many people, including myself, as a way to seek control. Some of these coping mechanisms are healthy such as allowing myself a flexible schedule, reading my Bible, and healthy amounts of exercise. However, some coping mechanisms go too far, or occupy an unhealthy place in our minds. Instead of providing relief, they bring us temporary joy. Yet we mistake this temporary joy for everlasting joy.

What coping mechanisms are helping you and which ones have become unhealthy? Are you turning to wine, food, or exercise to survive? What is offering you temporary relief, that inhibits your time with God?

These things aren’t bad on their own. For example, enjoying a tasty dessert, an invigorating run, or a good glass of wine is a good thing. I’d argue that exercise is actually good for our mental health these days. Grant yourself grace by letting yourself have that cookie, or two.

However, are you coping with the crisis only through your coping mechanisms? Do you put your identity in your exercise accomplishments or your body? Possibly thinking, if you have a perfect body, you’ll be happy. Maybe you go to bed every night after 4 glasses of wine so that you can forget about what's going on. When we replace our dependence on Jesus with our coping strategies, it’s time to reevaluate these aspects of our lives. I don’t want to shame people with this post, but rather, I want to remind readers to turn to Jesus who can offer true hope.

In the Old Testament, worshipping idols was literal—such as worshipping the sun or moons. Today, we worship idols we can’t see and I believe that the coping mechanisms we take too far can serve as our own idols. We all have some unhealthy coping mechanisms; we are humans. However, we can change our mindset when we recognize these coping mechanisms are turning into idols.

These coping mechanisms could be what Tim Keller calls a functional idol. Keller, a best selling author and pastor in Manhattan, wrote about functional idols in his book “Counterfeit Gods.” Keller looks at the root cause of idols. He explains that even good things can turn into idols. For example, in ministry (or helping people), I know I have to make sure my desire to help people doesn’t take away from the time I spend with God. As a mom of small kids, I don’t have much free time. I don’t get to spend hours with God, or even a single hour, but I can still listen to praise music, or read my Bible, and pray. I am a work in progress, but I’m striving to turn to God for my hope, and connect with him even when we can’t have corporate worship.





In the Bible, God speaks through the prophet Isaiah and says the following about idols “All who fashion idols are nothing, and the things they delight in do not profit. Their witnesses neither see nor know, that they may be put to shame.” (Isaiah 44:9). In this verse God is encouraging people to turn away from the temptations of idols. Just as the people of Israel were tempted to worship idols when they are captive in Babylon, we are tempted to worship idols when we are “captive” at home.

Instead of trying to be the queen of my life, I want Jesus to be the King of my Heart, I often listen to the popular praise song below.

King of my Heart song (Bethel music)
Let the King of my heart
Be the mountain where I run
The fountain I drink from
Oh, He is my song
Let the King of my heart
Be the shadow where I hide
The ransom for my life
Oh, He is my song
In closing, we think we want control, but we were created with hearts that yearn for a savior who has been in control all along. Also, we are also created for community, if you are struggling ask a friend to help you and/or pray for you. In James Beck’s book “Jesus & Personality Theory”, Beck talks about visiting a Black family in South Africa who was sustained by their faith during tough times in the country, he says “Clearly God had provided them with sustaining hope; no human source could adequately explain their ability to see positives in the future.” My hope is that God can provide that same hope to those of you struggling to see it. Furthermore, the group of people Beck talked about also leaned on community. We simply need to turn our heart toward the One who had control all along. He can take our anxiety and fears, and hearing from His children is pleasing to God. He doesn’t need us, yet we need Him.