How quickly I forget....

Yesterday I did a workout that did not go terribly, but the workout was just frustrating for many reasons. This was by no stretch of the imagination a good workout. (For the non-runners, workout means a harder effort, usually intervals with timed rest.) This was my first workout where I was slightly off pace in months. Nothing terrible happened. I am healthy, not injured, and it was just one workout. Some of the conditions were not ideal but that’s often the case. When I type this out, having one workout off pace seemed like no big deal, but at the time it was frustrating. Very frustrating and can have a big affect on my confidence.

Flashback to the week prior. I was having some soreness in my hip, gluts, and calf. The soreness turned out to be no big deal. I got treatment on theses areas, ran easy for a few days, and I was as good as new! However, when the soreness happened, and I had a minor (or maybe major) panic, I had the thought “just so I am not hurt and can run and I’ll be happy.” Well, I turned out I’m not hurt. When I had the bad workout, I should have thought “I am not injured, I should be glad I can do a workout next week and am healthy.” Should have are the key words. “How quickly I forget” is the main theme. I forget that I should be thankful I can run and could get up today and do a long run, and can do more workouts next week. My memory is short, and I get lost in the moment. I get caught up in the now.

Reflecting back on this workout later in the day reminded me “how quickly I forget” in my relationship with God. I want God to give me what I think is best which means I forget that God knows what I need more than I know what I need. I get nervous others will judge me for some of the decisions I make. The Psalms are a great place to turn to in the Bible to be reminded of God’s faithful, and the reminder that we can cry out to God when we need Him. David does this in many of the Psalms. Psalm 124:8 says, “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth” (Holy Bible, ESV). Just read the Psalms and you will see this theme. Psalm 121 is another great one on this topic: http://bg4.me/PHEV9n.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a short run. Before my run I sat in my car and read Psalm 1. I started my run by listening to Chris Tomlin’s song “All to us.” One verse in this song says “We are waiting on you Jesus, we believe you are all to us…..Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives.” As I listened to these words, I was reminded of Jesus’ love for me. I kept running and reflecting, listening to “Amazing Grace and Shout to the Lord.” Before I knew it, I had finished my 4 mile run, and was feeling better about life. My relationship with God was back in focus. (It’s amazing what a good run can do for the body and mind.)

Throughout the Bible, God constantly shows His faithful to His people even though humans constantly fall back into sin. I say this often in my blog posts because I need to be reminded about this truth. God brought the Israelites out of Egypt. He brought His people a savior and the ultimate King. God kept His promises. I know He will do the same for me.

My life is complicated and messy, just like many of you may experience in your life. I have stressful situations to manage too. Having a relationship with God, and believing Jesus came to save the world from our sinful nature, does not make life easy. I experience pain and suffering too. However, as the pastor of our church in Boston always said, I need to preach the Gospel to myself. Yesterday and today, I have reflected back on God’s faithful and my ultimate goal in life. I hope to race well in my next big race. I have trained hard, and I’d like the training to pay off, but for today I am going to live in the present. I am going to strive to enjoy each run and each workout. I hope to turn to Christ each day and be reminded of His love for us. To go back to the words of Tomlin’s song “Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives.”

Just Look Up

(Picture: Beach in Santa Cruz)

I write this blog entry after having a few track races that did not go as planned. I felt like I did not accomplish my goals at these races. For those that are reading this and do not know me, I am a runner. I am working (very) hard at become more competitive with my running. Right now it’s track season. Yes, adults can run track. I had one big PR in the 5000m in the beginning of the season, and after that PR I have been running slower times. This is quite frustrating, as one would imagine. When I ran a huge PR in the 5000m at the beginning of the season, I was so excited. However, I quickly forgot that I had run such a big PR when my future races did not go as well. (PR means personal record, aka, ran a faster time than I ever had before.) Each time I get slower I feel a sense of my goals fading further and further away. If you do not run, just think what it is like to feel a sense of failure in your job, parenting, or your marriage; the list could go on and on. We can all relate to that nagging sense of failure.

Many times I get stuck in the moment and forget to look up from the details and focus on the big picture. As I was thinking about this situation, I was reminded about feeling stuck in the forest on a run about 6 weeks ago. I was running through the Nisene Marks Forest, which is in Northern California, near Santa Cruz. The forest is beautiful and is such a wonderful snapshot of God’s beautiful creation. It has one main trail down the middle and then many side trails that extend off from the main road. At one point in my run, I decided to go off on one of the side trails, but as I was trying to get back to the main trail I started to get turned around and couldn’t find the main road. As I was running along, I was looking down trying not to fall on roots. When I stopped running and looked up, I realized the main trail was right through the trees. I was so relived.

This scenario is such a great metaphor for life. Sometimes we get stuck in the details and forget to look up. As I was thinking back on this scenario, I started to realize the many ways I do this in my own life with situations and my goals. Just this past weekend when I ran a race that did not go as intended, I was once again finding myself forgetting to look up. Going back to my story from the beginning of the blog, if I look at the big picture, I see that this is just one track race and one track season. Hopefully I will run a new PR in the next track race I run and next years track season will build on this one. I still have a few races left in this track season. I am going to train hard and run smart. The season is not over. Not accomplishing what I set out to do still leaves some frustration, doubt, disappointment, and sadness at the moment. However, when I look at the big picture, I can see things more clearly.

More importantly, we all need to think about the big picture God has created us for when he placed us here on earth and how we will deal with setbacks along the way. God created all of us for a purpose. This is what many Christians call a “calling.” We are all called to different things. For some it may be running while for others it may be a business career. I believe God finds great joy in watching his children live out their passions and callings. The good news is that God knows exactly what will happen to each person long before we enter the world. This does not means that we should wait for God to drop something in our laps before we act though. We need to look at the big picture and act on what God is calling each of us to do.

For those reading this who are Christian, if we believe Christ’s death on the cross is the only hope for us to have eternal life, how does this change our life? This should vastly change the way we live each day. Last night at church, the pastor reminded us that everything we do should be done for the Lord. I should dream big and go after my goals and life calling, however, at the end of big picture is Christ. At the end of the day, I want to look back and know that I glorified God in the way I acted, trained, and interacted with the world. I want to finish the long term race strong and in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord. 2 Timothy 4:7 says, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

Goals are good, but the process should be one that will glorify our mighty savior. When you get stuck in the moment, or feel a sense of failure, don’t forget to look up and focus on the big picture of what God is calling you to do. Just look up, the main road is right ahead.

Post Race Doldrums

My caveat to this blog entry: I hesitated to write a blog entry on this topic, but I am writing this entry for three main reasons. First, to help those who may have experiences a down time post marathon, second, to help others understand what some runners may experience post marathon, and third, as a thank you and explanation to all those who have been around me for the last month.

About a month ago, I ran a marathon. A marathon that was a big deal to me, and the race didn’t go my way. I processed the race, and was ready to move on. I made goals for the future, and expected to start training without any problems after a few weeks break. Things didn’t turn out as planned. I just could not seem to recover. My recovery felt like it was taking forever. I started to wonder, and probably fear, that I would never recover.

As my recovery took longer and I spent more time away from running, my mood took a turn for the worst. I was depressed, anxious, and sleep deprived. I am not going to put all the details on my blog, but I cried often, without warning or a compelling reason. I could pull it together for short periods of time, but even that was tough. I thought I was loosing it. I tried to keep myself distracted when I had to function in public settings. I couldn’t sleep very well. My productivity decreased. I felt like a burden to those who had to endure all my crying. I was a mess.

I tried to analysis my sadness and determine if I was sad because I could not run or if I was sad about different stresses in life. Running is a sacred time to me, and a major part of my daily life. I missed running with the girls in the park. Furthermore, running lets me get out my stress and gives me a social outlet to connect with my friends. I leave my stress in Golden Gate Park or on the track. Running just helps me process everyday life.

As I started to run more, something wonderful happened. My mood changed and I became happier. I started to smile again. I stared to hear joy in my voice. My old self was coming back and I was so thankful. I am now completely back to my "normal" mood. I still have stresses in life, but I can manage them. I can cope with life. I knew that people release endorphins during exercise, but I wanted to know more about the psychological affects of recovering from a marathon and not running.

Many of you may be thinking, “all this after a few weeks of not running?” My answer to that is “yes” and after doing some research I found evidence that regular runners taking time off from running can affect a person’s mood. Through doing a little research, I learned that I was not alone, and many other runners experienced some of the same affects. The endorphins (and other chemical released when I run) have a very real, and large impact on my mood. Here’s a summary of some of the research I found:

A research study done in 1990 and published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research studied men ages 18-52 years old that are regular runners. The study found that those who were deprived of running (the experiment group) “subjective physical state, sleep, and feelings of being able to cope deteriorated within 1 wk; levels of anxiety and depression increased during the 2nd wk.” Once this group started running again, they returned to normal.

Other journal articles I read found that exercise helps treat depression and has a positive affect on mood. One study published in Chinese Mental Health Journal (April, 2007) studied rats to test “the effect of low and moderate exercise on plasma β-EP and corticosterone in rats after mental stress.” This study found that “Low and medium exercise can bring down the stress reaction and protect the neuroendocrine function under mental stress.” Running publication also talk about the runner’s high. Runner’s World wrote a great article about the topic in June 2004 and discussed a runner’s personal experience with a runner’s high and the scientific side of the runner’s high (http://bit.ly/zEK0U9).

I am still looking for additional studies on this topic and hope to find some more specific studies that look at female runners and the effects of taking time off for an injury or recovery. If any of have information on this topic, please send it my way. I'd love to get a conversation started about this topic within the running community. Would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Feel free to leave a comment or send me an email.

Overall, I learned runners can have a strong reaction to time off from running. Recovery is important, especially after a marathon, and should be taken. Everyone handles recovery differently. Some runners do not experience sadness at all, and some experience a milder form. For people like me who may have a strong reaction to recovery times, I just need to be aware of my body reacts and realize this too will pass. I also now have a more proactive plan about how to manage the psychological affects during recovery. (That topic will have to wait until another blog entry.)

I know that running will not take away my problems, nor will be cure it all my anxious thoughts, but I do hope running will help me to process life and more effectively cope with the daily stresses of life. I end this with a thank you to all those in my support system. Thank you to those who checked on me to see how I was doing, gave me hugs, just let me talk, prayed for me, reminded me to take this in stride, and cooked me dinner. You were a tremendous help, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sure I will go through periods where I cry again, but I hope to laugh more than cry, and reach out to ask for a hug during the happy and sad times.

Enjoying the different seasons in life

I wrote this blog entry for a women’s blog: http://onthewillows.wordpress.com but figured I’d post it on my own blog as well.

I have been through many seasons in my life: growing up, college at Baylor, running at Baylor, college at Texas Tech, living in Dallas, running, advertising, living in Boston, marriage, counseling, living in North Carolina, living in San Francisco, running, etc... These are just a few of them. The list could go on much longer. Many of these seasons have come full circle. I would never have predicted how these seasons would shape me, but looking back I can see that each season has helped form the person I am today, the good and the bad. Some seasons are easier than others, however, my goal with each season is not to fear or worry about the next one, but embrace each season for what it brings into my life. I must admit, I do not always embrace the rough patches, and when circumstances are uncertain, I panic.

I started this blog a few weeks ago, and part of my hesitancy in finishing this entry centers on not wanting to sugarcoat struggles and portray following God during each season as an easy decision to make. Some seasons are joyous and others are tough. We may embrace these tough seasons with more of a fistfight than a hug. In Shauna Niequist’s book Bittersweet, she discusses different times in life and very accurately articulates, what I think many women WANT to feel when she said, “Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and the a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through…” (Niequist, 11).

We never know what the next season will throw at us and that is scary. When seasons are happy, many of us sing praises to God, and thank him for giving us such glorious times. This is a good thing however, when we enter a season that is full of fear and uncertainty, many times fear holds us back from enjoying our current season or events in our lives. For example, many people know I’m scared of needles. VERY scared of them. The first time I went to Ethiopia I had to get 8 shots. At times, I thought my fear of needles might stop me from going on this trip. Thanks to a good friend who went with me to get the shots, I did get them, and went to Ethiopia. This is a very surface example of fear impacting my life, but illustrated how fear can creep into our lives and stop us from embracing an opportunity or a season in life. (Ironic that I’m scared of needles because I’ve had my belly button pieced twice and now get acupuncture.)

My hope and prayer for my life, and the lives of all the women reading this blog, is that we let ourselves enjoy each season and giving our best to that season. My hope is also that we let others walk through the seasons of life with us. God gives us community to celebrate the good times and cry with us during the difficult times.

We can call out to God in all season, and know that the God who created the heavens and the earth is an unchanging God, who is always available to his children. Jesus experienced both sadness and happiness, yet, amidst all His emotions, He knew God was there for Him, and He trusted his Father’s plan. God sent His only son to give us hope in all seasons of life. In Matthew 28:20 Jesus said the following, “And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Holy Bible, ESV). Embrace each season, both the bitter and sweet, and know that God has already written each of our stories as we walk through these seasons, and He stands ready to embrace us, and gives us friends and family to physically embrace us during the many seasons in life.

Recovering from Disappointment and Dreaming Big

When runners have a bad race, they can let it get them off track or the bad race can propel them forward. I’m hoping to do the latter of the two. I ran in my first Olympic Trials Marathon this past Saturday. I went into the race with high hopes. I was fit and feeling good. My coach had developed a great plan to help me maintain my fitness level and recover in the 6 weeks between CIM (my qualifying marathon) and the Olympic Trials Marathon. I did my best to bond with the elliptical in between the two marathons and was thankful when my training schedule listed more running.

Then on race day at about mile 10, my worse nightmare in the marathon happened-- my digestive system shut down and I was unable to digest fluids or GU. Soon cramping followed, and slowly my body shut down. Before I knew it I was way off pace. Each mile I fell even further off pace. My hamstrings tightened first, then other muscles followed. My dreams of running well in the Olympic Trials went down the drain before the halfway point. I finished the race about 16 minutes behind my goal time. I am not going to sugarcoat this experience and say it was exciting or fun simply because it was the Olympic Trials. I am honored and humbled that I was able to run with such talented women but there is nothing fun about suffering through a race with a stomach that won’t digest anything. Fighting through the end of a race because I worked hard and my legs are tired is exhilarating, but fighting through digestive issues and cramping is just painful.

Now that the race ended and I am back home in San Francisco, I am working on recovering and trying not to go stir crazy while I do. After races that do not go according to plan, I have realized the importance of recovering both physically and mentally while also looking toward the future. I felt a sense of failure as I crossed the finish line and I felt like I let so many people down. I am hoping the disappointment adds a fuel to the fire to help me push further in my training. I texted a teammate for advice the day after the race. She acknowledged that it is hard when races go poorly, and reminded me to recover and look toward the future. Recovering from races such as this is hard, but is necessary if I want to succeed in the future.

As I look toward the future, I am reminded that I need to come up with measurable goals. The night after the race I sat down and listed all the times I want to run in every distance from the marathon down to the mile for the next four years. I am dreaming big about the future and have high hopes of running well in track season and another marathon later down the road. I am thankful to have an encouraging support network each step of the way.

Lastly, I am reminded to dream big. A few years back I wanted to run a sub three-hour marathon once in my life. Now, my dreams are much bigger. Being surrounded by so many talented runners in the bay area has helped me dream big. Furthermore, many people in the SF bay area are making sacrifices to go after dreams such as starting a company or running fast. To run my goal times, much work and sacrifice will be required, but I am ready for the hard work, and excited to look ahead. I’m keeping my head up and forging forward. One race at a time, I will move forward toward those goal times on my spreadsheet. Cheers to running well in 2012.

Living with regret, redeeming the past

This week I was thinking about regretting decisions from the past. Many of us probably want to go back in time and make some different decision. Sorry, blog readers: I’m not sharing any crazy stories on my blog today. I was thinking about regretting past decisions in regards to running. I have had years of inconsistent training in the past because at times I made decisions that were not very conducive to training for competitive races.

Last week I was reading Runner’s World and it seemed like every story I read talked about elite runners putting in the miles for years before becoming a good marathoner. Many of these women put in their miles while they were in the early to mid 20’s and are now racing well in their late 20’s or in their 30’s. I didn’t do this. I was a recreational runner for most of my 20’s. I have had a few spurts of getting in race shape for a few years, but have also had many years of being in recreational runner shape. However, I have to live with the fact that I cannot change the past. I can only learn from past experiences and use these learning to make good decisions in the future. Many of my choices from the past have shaped who I am today and made me more empathic, tougher, stronger, and have shaped a vast array of other characteristics in me.

It’s tempting to be angry that I did train for a few years or that I only ran one year in college. Regretting that I did not run in college seems to cross my mind frequently these days. However, different circumstances in my life made training challenging during these points in my life. A certain level of anger can drive me to leave my heart and soul at the race, however; too much anger or regret is not productive.

In church on Sunday the pastor said something that seemed to tie together how I should look at the past. He said something along the lines of, “we need someone or something to forgive us, because it’s so hard to forgive ourselves.” This statement reminded me that God has forgiven me for all the mistakes I have made. I may have trouble forgiving myself, but God sent his son down to earth to pay the price for our sins—now that’s true forgiveness. I can rest in this forgiveness and work on redeeming the past with more positive experiences in the present day, instead of feeling regret about the past. Later in the sermon the pastor went on to say that many of us are exhausted because we cannot receive forgiveness. This is so true in my own life. Not letting go of the past and staying angry about all the reasons that kept me from training is just going to be an emotionally draining exercise. I am ready to train at this stage of my life, and all I can do is work toward my goals in the present. The pastor finished the sermon by reminding us that we are treasured people in God’s eyes. God’s forgiveness and love is all I should need to let go of the past.

My goal for 2012 is to redeem the past by running well in the present day and letting the past stay behind me. Living with regret about choices I made or things I did not do will only exhaust me. Living to redeem the past acknowledges God’s forgiveness and perfect timing while making a part of my life that was once broken whole again. Cheers to healthy training and fast running in 2012. I’ll end with Psalm 62: 1-2. “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Holy Bible, NIV).